Happy 15th Birthday Son!

14 years and 5 months ago, my husband and I received the most precious gift from God – a bundle of joy from South Korea.

At 42, I a was a mom! Those tumultuous and self centered years of meandering through life, faded into the background as I held him in my arms.

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We had prepared ourselves with many self help books for newbie parents. Resourceful guides to help us through the first 24 months of our son’s developmental progress. Nothing prepared me for the act of selflessness that comes with caring for an infant(s) – and although I thought I was prepared to be a new mom – I wasn’t.  It was humbling.

We had given up hope of having children – it was just going to be the two of us, until that summer when my sister and her husband entrusted Dan and I with the care of their two young children while they went on vacation. It was a life changing experience.  We discovered the joy of children, and imagined being parents.   We wanted a family – and my biological clock was ticking.  Adoption was the only option for us!

We placed all our hopes in God to fill the hole in our lives. How I must have whined daily and I’m sure I was a pain in the neck as I scribbled away in my prayer journal.

With every stroke of the pen, with every prayer I asked God for a child.    My daily prayers were simple and full of hope.   I even gave God a list of what I wanted in our child.  Oh I can imagine God’s lift eyebrows as I look back on those prayers.

God you are all forgiving, all merciful, and all glorious!!  You have done great thing in my life!
All my hope is in you!

We went through the adoption process in December 2011, and had our application in by March, and our bundle of joy arrived in July 2012.  God’s hand was present throughout the process, and when he arrived at the airport, he was 4 months old.  Surround by family and friends, we welcomed him into our lives.  Our promise to God – to bring him up within His embrace.

Oh there were many challenges of taking care of an infant.   After 21 years together, we went through a period of adjustment.   Each day saw our love grow deeper as we fell in love with our son.  Living in the moment, we savored and appreciated the new challenges in our lives.   Each day was a learning experience, from being panicky and nervous parents, to watching him pull his first temper tantrum at 24 months, to the tenderness and love as we embraced being parents under God’s hands is precious.

Dear God,

You gave Dan and I what we could handle – both spiritually, and in our lives.  You have taught me many life lessons about being a believer, a mom, a wife, and a teacher.

The joy of being a mom, is also a life long process where each thought, idea, inspiration, goal, ability is examined and made new. Along with trials to my patience, attitude, prejudices, bias, and character flaw mirrored and revealed – You Dear Jesus, guide me towards change.

“Down on my knees again surrendering all…I’m desperate for you…. drench my soul, I hunger for you….”. I Surrender- Hillsong Live Cornerstone

Thank you God for the gift of answered prayer!
Thank you Jesus for guiding me to be the best mom I can be. For showing me daily my flaws and short coming as I interact with my son – with my children.  Thank you for your grace, that with You in me, I can make the effective changes to be an awesome mom. Thank you for always being there to get me back on track when I make a wrong turn ❤

Stepping Out

What a way to start my day…I popped into the kitchen for some coffee while a feisty rant fest was playing out with my co workers.  Before I knew it I made a comment which further stirred the pot as 3 pairs of eyes glared at me.
“Sheesh!”  “I really need to remember to simply shut my mouth!”

When we are Jesus filled, I can honestly attest that we go through a transformation.   The way we see the world changes, just as that sinful person we were goes through a series of self reflection and insight, and change.  God’s grace changes our perspectives and perceptions of the world.   The negative we once felt make way for an understanding as we leave our sinful past behind us, and yes, we are made new.   Those things we love to do or say in the pass is behind us.  I am not saying it’s an overnight phenomenon, but over time, as we embrace Christ within us…we go through a transformation process, because He is now guiding us.

Stepping outside of my comfort zone, of my Church and worship community, and dealing day in and day out with the world around me is daunting and challenging.   


As much as I love being in my comfort zone, I think about Jesus – Our wondrous God who came to us in human form so that we may come to know him.  He walked among us and help those in need.  He healed the sick.  His ministry was with the outcast of society.    Jesus emulated love.  How do I emulate love when I hide from the world?

When we let Jesus into our life and soul, there is something inside us which is transformed.   The judgmental, bitchy, negative me – the me who use to sit with the girls and trash talk has faded away.   Instead my heart is filled with a love for Jesus that raises in me a depth of soulfulness that I cannot even articulate.  I can say that there is a song in my heart. My pen composes love songs for Jesus.  There have been moments when I am so overwhelmed with his love, I feel the tears of joy run down my cheeks.

There is also this incredible feeling within to share with others the love that emulates from with in…I want to shout, and sometimes imagine myself lifting my arms in praise of our glorious God.  I am aware that those around me – those who have known me – do not understand the changes in me.   I have become an outcast and a freak!

Yes, I am happy to live in my bubble, sharing with my fellow Jesus loving family and community, but He calls out to me to walk among the non believers.   They are in our workplace, our schools, and we pass them by daily….and Jesus wants us to show mercy, to love, and share our love of Him with those around us.   He wants us to tell others how much Jesus loves them too!

Out there, not everyone is gonna think like me, or even share the same religion as me.  It’s not about me!  It is about sharing the love of Jesus!   There’s someone out there who desperately need to know of his love.  There is someone out there who wants to know Jesus.  Repeat, it is not about me, but about sharing the love of Jesus with others.

God wants to use us as an instrument of help and hope in the world.   How can I let God use me if I hide in my shell – my comfort zone?  The world yearns for hope, and I have a God who is all about hope and glory – How can I be so selfish that I would want to keep this good news to myself?

Yeah it is scary – they are different from me, with different backgrounds, different opinions, diverse personalities, and their lifestyles are not necessarily like mine, but God still calls us to the world.

Yes, I will feel discomfort, as I did when I should have shut up!   I will definitely feel the blunt of their disagreement, and their disdain, but we have a God who wants to partner with us, and He calls us to follow him like fishers of men to outreach!

The next time I find myself in a similar situation, I pray I have the insight and wisdom to smile, and simply say,”Good Morning!” 

 

Holding on To My Steadfast Anchor

As an teacher, my heart goes out to children whose parents are going through a separation or divorce.  From my experience, the children in my charge go through an emotional and grieving process that often leads to low self esteem and anxiety as they cope with new changes in their lives.   What was once a “happy” nuclear family is now a dysfunctional one that sometimes require a calendar to meander through the weekly changes of being shuffled from one house to the other, to who has the authorization to to pick up the child, to a slew of other changes emotionally and psychologically.

My son confides in me the stories of many of his own friends and the drama that unfolds during the divorce of their parents.   He tells me the heart wrenching story of his best friend –  His bestie has two other siblings (one older and one younger), but after the divorce of his parents, his Sikh father only wants to see him every other week, and wants nothing to do with his two other siblings. His Quebecois mother has custody of the other two, and share custody with my son’s bestie.

I thought at first how unusual until I discovered this week an ex-student of mine is also involved in a divorce.   Her mom left her dad with the two eldest daughters, leaving her 24 month old sister behind.

My heart cries out for these children and the fractures in their young lives.   The intercultural dichotomy in a relationship can be challenging, especially if there is a difference of religion and culture.   In my ex-students situation, her mom left a strict traditional Chinese patrilineal marriage which denies her the rights from a cultural standpoint.  “Married life is hard work”, is what I recently told a newlywed friend of mine. There will always certainly be ups and the downs in married life, and from my own experience, honest and communication is the only way to weather through it.    What helped my husband and I through every trial was TRUST and the God centered attitude to work through it.  With honesty, there is no denial, just as without communication, there can be no reciprocal relationship.

The love of a newly married couple is very different from the love within a relationship after 30 plus year of marriage.  As a couple grow and face the challenges in their marriage together with total honesty and communication, the love slowly develops into something that is full of depth and substance.

I remember when I first met my husband as a young university student in a punk rock club – Yes, a noisy club I use to slam dance and listen to hardcore music.  Dan was a friend of the bouncer, who kinda took it upon himself to keep a careful eye on me – a petite Chinese girl who was kinda nerdy, and totally out of her depth amidst hardcore punk rockers.

Dan and I are from two different walks of life and culture, but my dad saw in him something of substance, and shared with him the love of Jesus.   Dad planted those first fruits seeds in Dan – love and kindness.  Those first years as a couple saw much changes in our relationship – from being a boy friend, to a “common-law” couple, to marriage.   I am sure my parents prayer were long and steady on our behalf, just as with every visit, my dad never stopped sharing with his testimony and his love of Jesus.

There were ups and downs as I left the wild punk rock scene and buckle down to studying – first two bachelor and then my M.F.A.  Dan always supported my educational drive, even through he only completed his high school degree.   He also supported my walk back to Jesus.   In the early days of our courtship, Dan would drive me every Sunday to St. Stephen’s for worship (he would stay in the car).  This period also saw my dad pass away, and I think his death was a living testimony and opened my husband’s heart and soul.

One Sunday I asked Dan to accompany me into St. Stephens, and he did.  A non practicing Catholic by birth, Dan was able to relate to Nick Brotherwood, an ex-punker himself, and now one of the pastors at St. Stephens. With his British accent, and insightful sermons, God used him to touch my husbands heart until His whispers was heard.   What follows was miraculous, as my husband joined the Alpha course offered to young adults at St. Stephens, which in turn led to a renewal in Christ Jesus as his personal Savior.

Our journey as a couple has not always been an easy one as we worked through the many changes thrown at us.   First from not being able to have children, and after much prayer – the miracle of adopting two beautiful infants, to learning to become parents, and to keeping God center in our relationship  – it is with God’s blessing we are still married and together.  The last 15 years saw us go through a financial consolidation which saw us lose real estate holdings, and  my husband being laid off many times, as his industry went through changes.

In retrospective, much of the challenges thrown our way has helped us grow stronger as a couple, and as parents.  It has also deepen my faith in Christ, without whom I would have probably left my husband and become one of the many dysfunctional families around me. By God’s grace, I have been lifted up when I felt discouraged and weak.   Faith gave me hope.

Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of. – Charles Spurgeon

I see the hand of Christ in my husbands life, as He opens doors for him,  just as I see my husband’s faith remain steadfast with all the curves thrown at him.    We dealt with our financial lost together, knowing that God provides for our needs.  Most of all I praise God for guiding me to be the best wife and mom I can be, just as I see God working in my husband to be the best husband and dad he can be – loving unconditionally is the key – just as Jesus loves us.

Holding on to our faith, and to God in our time of need is the glue that keeps our family together:

Jesus is our sure and steadfast anchor, without which we would have been lost in the depth of the sea…